Is probably having its gender identity assumed by assholes.
That’s not exactly how I wanted to start this blog. I wanted to make this blog about the budding interest of society into the kink scene, but honestly I realized I have a touch of animosity about it.
It isn’t the woe is me bullshit of people not understanding my life or the struggles of being a cis white male in todays society, but moreso some basal observations on some of the things I have noticed since I have been in the scene, and how that transfers into the vanilla world. I understand we can all split hairs here and really break down that vanilla society is not a more “real” society than the kink one, but it is within two standard deviations of the mean of the rest of the western world. I have come to the conclusion that I am a bit further than that.
The reasons are because I have tried to translate all the stuff that I do into my everyday life such as tying people up, hitting them, or twisting nipples till they bleed – you know, freakshit – into my dating life. I’m not the kind of fella who goes to bars and snags up dates from a pool of drunk people, though I have tried that too (which is an awful idea). So I’m usually pretty upfront when I make a new friend as to the things that I do and kind of gauge from there. One big place that I have attempted to integrate kink into my life is on Tinder. Often, I will basically say what I do in my profile so females can run screaming before they ever match with me. Same with other online profiles, though I have abandoned them for some time now.
I have had some pretty delightful conversations to have them interrupted with, “Whats a shibari? Oh wait….I used the google and am not about that life. Kbai.” So I would love to have the same open and free attitude that I had coming into the scene, but I realize I have marginalized myself pretty strongly to a select group of people. This is normally okay, because I like freaky people, but what is really hard is to attempt to translate this into vanilla dates.
So many may say, “Well Captain why must you continue to attempt to be a fool and chase all these ‘normal’ people when there’s so many of us beautiful kinky people out here?”
And these dreamers will be right where I was before, hoping and dreaming to be able to live together in harmony but as with so many idealists I have had my naive innocent soul dashed upon the rocks of experience so many times that it has all but shrunken to a little smidgen of hope that is barely enough to sustain a life. And that’s okay. While bleak at face value it actually can lead to a very powerful realization of identity and wholeness that I never had before.
One of the things I’ve come to realize is that in life it is easier to be myself rather than have someone else put me into a box. It may seem paradoxical considering I then put myself into these boxes by doing so, what any critic need see is that there’s a box for anything that has been imagined, as ideas themselves are boxes. I won’t get into the really deep shit right now, but atop this high horse of philosophising and elitist feelings towards those who have rejected me, there is a point.
The proliferation of BDSM and the kink scene into the vanilla world through media such as Fifty-Shades, fantasy novellas, and other movies which all surpass the cinematic trash that was the two hour long rape film that burst the box offices because of some vague affiliation to sparkly vampires, is actually a positive thing.
It all serves one purpose. To de marginalize us who live in these shadows.
Now do I honestly believe I will ever be able to come out about what I do in my free time? Probably not. Especially in the ultra conservative regime of Donald Trump, but I do think that it is cracking open some minds. Some of those housewives who have snagged up the books in their book club or the tweens who go out to see the movies and get all pumped because they get to watch their favorite movie star get coerced into a ridiculous contract, at least have probably softened to the idea if not tried it themselves at some point.
I won’t go into the bullshit Domly Dom McSadistPants that are also a derivative of these things, people pretending to know what the fuck is going on when they are clearly clueless, but I will say that this is also just the nature of humans. This also happens in the “real world” so lets not get derailed.
We are all ambassadors. Regardless of my whining and criticism at being rejected, which everyone has experienced in one form or another, I attempt to accept each rejection with grace, understand, and wholeheartedly educate people even when they are in no place to hear it. If I am a cunt to someone, its because I am a cunt-y person. Not because kinksters are cunts. But people, myself included, make sweeping generalizations about groups of people.
So this is all to say that our actions, no matter the value judgements being placed on them are being scrutinized. And it is up to us to spread our message.
Kink is not abuse. Its just a game we decide to play. It becomes much more though, due to how much we all have been pushed into the shadows we huddle together for warmth outside of the bounds of the hustle and bustle of the daylight. It becomes a community with ideals of love and respect for others.
Which we also suck at, but so does everyone else.
How do you think you’ve represented kinksters?
What does general society see when they watch us accept each other even if we are not into each others’ kink?
As always Kink Hard.